Monday afternoon and evening I was down at “the local” enjoying good conversation in a very-not-tourist bar at the docks. The aim was to work towards finding passage for the bike and the boy on the same boat.
The conversation in the end didn’t get far in that direction. That’s ok – it was only day one. But it was engaging and fun conversation, and got quite deep too. So much so that one character, John, suggested another catch up, which we did last night over dinner at Darwin Ski Club right on the beach.
Conversation was quickly deep. (Few who know me would be much surprised?) A wide array of topics was covered, but underlying it all was our response to disappointment, loss and grief.
Reflecting on that conversation and on dozens I’ve had like it over the last year or so, I’m struck yet again by how many men suffer silent loss and grief – usually silently as there is no practical alternative. Our culture has turned on men. While there has been good reason for correction from many evils1, I’ve been left wondering if we’ve thrown the baby out with the bath water. We need healthy masculinity. Families need strong husbands, we need great dads; dads who lead, provide, set healthy boundaries, keep families physically and mentally safe. None of that is to minimise a mum’s contribution (of course) – quite to the contrary.
Our culture and our system now seems to me to assume a man is “bad” where relationship is broken. I doubt reality is every that simple, and much more nuance is required to do justice to our kids and our community. The trouble is that with the real issue of abuse and the bias towards male perpetrators, it is risky business defending a bloke. So few do. It has left a tragic status quo where men are often powerless after a breakup, because they are seen to be powerful. Because they are “pale, stale and male”. We can do better! Yes? Just remember… the kids are the real losers when dads are ejected.
On to happier thoughts… the sunset was spectacular. Photos don’t do it justice but if you look closely, you’ll see some of the gradation of grandeur in this small sample:
I’m back at Dinah’s Beach tonight. There’s some quite lovely live music playing, and a different atmosphere with the men’s-only feel of Monday night giving way to a much more balanced dynamic. Both are fun, but I am enjoying tonight’s more. Time to engage with the locals, and start a new conversation!
Catch you tomorrow.
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Footnote
- One of the many evils is child abuse, particularly sexual. I co-founded Oho to help protect the vulnerable from this abuse. Tragically the statistics show that this abuse is far more often perpetrated by men, and I’m awake to that reality and determined to be part of stamping out that evil wherever possible. The comment I’ve made above is neither blind to this, nor brought undone by it. It is a completely separate point and the two issues should not be confused! ↩
4 Comments
Enjoying every journal and feeling connected. Thank you!
Hi Daniel, on the topic of transport to Timor Leste: You may have read Jon Faine’s book, in which he described the biggest challenge of the whole journey to London was getting passage for his vehicle and humans on a ship to Dilli. He followed up by saying the biggest mistake was paying for non-refundable air-tickets after being told it was impossible to go by ship. Two days later he had several maritime options. BTW, great photos!
Great to see there are humans on the other side of the world! Lol. Aaaah, the serentiy! Great updates Dan.
Holding my breath Daniel and praying for your sea adventure.
Psalm 34:18 – Yahweh is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.