Exhale in Kupang – addendum

Had lunch today, Wednesday, at a local restaurant on my way home from the day’s walk. Same as almost any meal – rice, veggies and a little chicken. I was of a mind to skip dinner tonight as I am trying to eat less, but noticed on Google Maps that there’s a “Steak and Coffee” place a short walk away. The coffee suggestion is emotionally complex for me! I would just love a good coffee, but of course I can’t expect it to be the style of coffee that I like, and I’m such a snob about my coffee that the name teases me but doesn’t entice. Anyway, “steak” sounded likely to be a bit western, and that grabbed me as a great change to punctuate the regular breakfast-lunch-dinner menu of chicken, vegetables and rice. So I went.

My wallet is a bit fat at the moment as I’ve just been to the ATM and AU$100 comes out in IDR50.000 notes (worth ~AU$5). So I left it at home, taking just AU$20 (IDR200.000).

Over a truly (but unsurprisingly) average steak and veggies dinner that nonetheless tasted like heaven on a stick after so much rice and chicken, I read through Ephesians. (I finished Bible in a Year earlier today so for the first time since Jan 1 had to think about what I was going to read next!) Many things struck me while reading it, but one was the first substantive content – an injunction to praise our God and Father of our Lord Jesus. The thought is a reprise of the pattern that praise and thanks should be part of our habit and rhythm in dark times as much as in joy. Praise and thanks is the precursor to blessing, not (only) the result of it. But it is not my natural posture.

In the midst of that thought, I was unexpectedly overcome again by another wave of grief at losing Kathryn and the children. I can’t help but still pray for true reconciliation, although I recoil against the idea of “playing happy ex”, seeing destructive lies underpinning that idea that would lead only to further brokenness and not to true goodness. I was overcome to the extent of emptying the tissue box kindly provided by the restaurant. I’d have been embarrassed once about that display, but I’m now uncomfortably used to outbursts at in opportune times.

And in all that, Paul in Ephesians (and probably more so elsewhere) exhorts us to praise and worship in the grief, not only after grief passes. I was talking with God about all this, and acknowledging my lack (I think the language of “sin” fits) of worship-less-ness, but not sure what to do about it in an ocean of grief.

Eventually I got up to pay. With my wallet at the backpackers, I found I’d guessed a little short for money I’d brought with me. With apologies I said “I’ll be back shortly with the remainder” which thankfully didn’t overly faze the hostess. Having grabbed my wallet, I decided to walk the other way around the block to deliver the remainder, just for something different.

A couple of hundred metres down that route, I heard a truely heavenly choir singing. I stopped at a gate to listen… and there in the carport was a choir of 20 or so practicing. I was noticed. I asked (mostly with body language) if they minded me listening for a bit. Not only did they not mind, but warmly invited me in to listen, and provided a chair right there with the choir. It was glorious!

The choir in Dili has a very specific hurdle for entry: one must have a pulse to join and sing. This Kupang choir was clearly a little different. They were good. Very, very good. And although I didn’t understand the words, they were clearly singing praise to Jesus. It turns out they’re a church choir practicing for Easter. To my ear they were of professional standard. And such glorious classical praise music.

Following an impulse to eat a western dinner, a decision to leave my wallet and a consequent lack of cash, I found myself meditating on the importance of praise and saddened by my own lack. Then not 10 minutes later I was enveloped in the most wonderful praise I’ve heard in a long while.

There I sat, soaking in the beautiful music and truly praising, even right in the grief.

Next thing I know – again mostly with hand waving and body language – I was invited to join in. I didn’t need to be asked twice, and settled in between the two tenors. They are both strong singers, and with their accurate pitch and confident musicality, I always had somewhere to land if I lost the note or my place in the music. With those two anchors, I felt comfortable I was also able to sing well. We finished with a part of my all-time favourite, Handle’s Messiah – “Great is the company of preachers”. I understood the words to this last one, as the only one in English. Singing is such an incredible way to praise, and while the first aim of worship is to “declare worth” of God, true worship will always move your own soul too. I walked to that gate with a very heavy and downcast soul. I left 90 minutes later uplifted, and with the deep grief (still there) now mixed in with a spring-in-my-step joy.

After all that, I took back the AU$1.60 still needed at the cafe, grateful to have been short of cash to lead as it led to the choir discovery and a bridge to worship and thanks, just as I had been discussing with God.

Back in my room now. I’ll pack the panniers on the bike tonight so that in the morning all I need to do is get dressed and ride to the ferry. Then on to Aimere and middle Indonesia. Looking for ways to headline thanks and praise, even while there is grief.