Improvements, feedback and what’s next

My smashed shoulder is improving daily, mostly only by small degrees.  In aggregate that is still far more improvement than I had expected.

My mood and temperament is bouncing hourly, much like a yo-yo.  Overall that is I guess exactly as should be expected.

I’m still very much in a transition stage coming back from a 6 month career break following a few seismic life events, with few anchors in my week and rhythm, and a yet-to-be-settled direction.  On the good days I enjoy the positive energy and creative space, and on the other days I have the privilege of being able to simply let that “flat” emotion take its course and wash past.  There’s no point beating myself up about it, pretending it is otherwise, wishing it away or even trying to suppress or otherwise “work it out”.  Emotion is a good servant and a terrible master.  I’m confident in the reality that better days are ahead, even when I can’t see how or guess at the shape of those.  If I can average a forward-leaning, positive posture in the main, then that is probably a solid outcome.  I’m confident that the general trajectory will shoot upwards as life presents something to get my teeth into.

Meantime, there is actually a broad plethora of ideas surfacing for a next professional chapter and contribution.  Many are quite left-field.  A good number have come unsolicited from unexpected quarters.  Nothing is certain yet, and at this stage most of these are nothing more than an idea.  Perhaps in some cases “crazy” should be prepended to “idea” – but those wacky ideas are still a really important part of a healthy brainstorm.  I can weed out impractical ideas where discussion lasts long enough for that to be relevant.  Often a left-field idea will evolve into something workable before the original idea is swatted.

In relatively mundane but actually quite exciting (to me) news, I’m planning to take a test drive today – testing whether my left arm is workable driving an automatic car.  The schedule will certainly be a bit easier if I can get myself to and from coffee conversations.  While a small thing, it will feature fairly significantly as an enabler of everything else that’s going on.  If I “pass” on my own criterion.

Life right now is a bit of a dance – on the one hand it makes sense and is necessary to take it easy and give my body time to heal the busted shoulder.  On the other hand I’m keen to get back into it and get on with it.  Whatever “it” is.  Some days are busy pursuing “it”, and others are as laid back as you can imagine.  Both the busy days and the laid back days are necessary, for separate reasons.  But the lazy ones are those that risk emotion as low as the calendar is(’nt) full.  I’m not built to be a thumb-twiddler, that’s for sure.

Having a place to call my own will be amazing, when it happens.  I’m beyond grateful for Rob, Bill, Hadyn, Raf and respective families who have given me a bed, roof, food and company these few weeks since I got back.  But while it fits the original plan and securing a post-road-trip income was always needed before securing accomodation, the reality of living from a suitcase will grow old soon enough.  That’s a key motivation for moving faster rather than slower through this transition period.

On a different note.  I think I might have had six people last week volunteer feedback that I’m “stubborn” – and I know of a fair list of others who would jump quickly on that bandwagon when they hear there’s a band anywhere in the vicinity of a wagon.  All using even the exact same ugly word.  Stubborn.  I must carry target practice rings on my forehead with a title “please provide feedback here” – I’m sure I get significantly more than the average bunny!  None of last week’s feedback incorporated any positive element to that “stubbornness” observation, nor – interestingly – any practical pointers for improvement. I personally prefer the “persistent”, or “determined” descriptors and acknowledge that like anything it can be constructive or destructive depending on how it is engaged.  Still, (despite the rumours) I do take all such feedback seriously.  [And if any of the six feeders back are reading this, please know that in each case I am honoured rather than offended that you take the trouble and risk to go out on a limb.]

Neither business that I co-founded would exist without that tenacity (ummm… sorry… “stubbornness”), my marriage wouldn’t have survived as long as it did without that persistence (oh… yup… that was “stubbornness,” right?), and so much else that is good in life would not have surfaced or survived without a determination to push through where obstacles would have stopped many (most?) others in their tracks.  So I know that throwing the baby out with the bath water would be unhelpful, even if it were possible to flick a switch and change the deep-seated character with which – my parents would affirm – I was born.  But I also recognise that ol’ chestnut definition of insanity – doing the same things and hoping for a different result.  Hope for a different result I most definitely do.  So doing the same things (or taking the same approach) I most definitely cannot.  (Thanks, Yoda).  This is definitely the moment for change – a clean whiteboard, no expectations, an opportunity to reinvent, but with an armoury of capability and network of trust and people who care.  Apparently I should simply reinvent “without stubbornness”.  Sounds easy enough.  Right?

I’m not even sure that anyone would like the result if they succeeded in extracting and eradicating my stubborn gene.  They’ll be quick to say I’m wrong about that, I guess, but I expect it deserves deeper thought than a first-glance response.

Hmmm.  I was hoping that writing this out might solicit some simple epiphany in at least a small way.  But alas.  All I have done is reflect the observation and hinted out how it lands in my soul.  And that’s about all folks.  I’ve actually worked it through for decades already, and am clearly yet to find a life approach that retains integrity of belief and logic, and also improves outcomes and reduces the need of the unsolicited feedback.  I guess I’m still searching.

Anyway, a bit of navel gazing is fine, but I also need to put one foot in front of the other and navigate immediate next steps.  I’m pretty good at that.  “Stubbornly” good at it, perhaps.  Just as well?

Meanwhile, none of that weighs as heavily for me as family matters, but there’s nothing new to write in my private diary about that – and its the most sensitive area about making a private diary public anyway.  So “mum’s the word”.  What a terrible choice of words.

2 Comments

  • Admin

    Thanks Dan. Mum’s the word.

  • Admin

    Super encouraged by your tenacity and courage Dan.

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