Things are moving. Slowly.
It’s about 7 weeks since I smashed my shoulder in a bike accident. The bone bits will now apparently be mostly “cemented” – exactly where the accident redistributed them. Given that the gaps between fragments are all approx 5mm or less, the surgeons have agreed that letting them set in that new configuration is better than surgery to attempt to put them back where they were pre-smash. I am told that will limit arm movement, but that it is a better outcome for now than surgery could achieve. A shoulder replacement is apparently on the cards in two years or so.
Meantime, I’m into physiotherapy as of about week ago. The arm needed to be kept still for the first six weeks to heal bone, but now needs movement to restore flexibility to frozen cartilage and strength to atrophied muscles. I’m to “push to the pain, but not through the pain,” as too much activity could still risk damage to bone and muscle. I’m pretty determined to get that arm back to full strength and mobility, but must take that caveat seriously. Target #1 is to get back to the 50 push-up rep I was doing twice most days pre-accident. I think I’m about ready to start running again, too. Swimming is apparently a valuable part of healing and strengthening, so I really should also attempt to work my way towards some laps – probably starting with in-water stretching exercises.
I’m still living 50% in Victoria (largely in case my nuclear family reach out for reconciliation at any point) and 50% in Tassie, but about to shift the rhythm from weekly to every six weeks.
Professionally I’m narrowing the field of options. I’ve declined a couple of employment discussions. Through the discerning process and Sabbatical journey I’m settling into a view that I’m better equipped to build a business than to accept a long-term line role within a team or a “maintenance” leadership position. I’d have no problems taking a team role where all concerned accept it was tactical and not as long-term, but at this stage I’m not pursuing short-term options. It has been useful to understand that this leads to “no thank yous” to rule out a range of otherwise-tempting possibilities. I’ll still very happily discuss short-term part-time contributions where those come looking for me, but will “receive” rather than “pursue” those.
I’m looking seriously at two businesses. Both would be a matter of developing something new from an existing kernel. Both would be building fairly naturally on my last decade’s contribution, but with new context to keep me energised. It isn’t impossible I could arrange to pursue the two in parallel, but I’d need to think that through pretty carefully to make sure both have the best possible opportunity to thrive.
Long-term accomodation is something I’ll only even attempt to sort out after I have the professional direction locked and loaded. That’s necessary for geographic and (more so) for financial reasons. That said, it will be a great relief to eventually have my own space once more. Not to diminish one iota my deep gratitude to those who have generously welcomed me into their homes for interim accomodation. (Thank you!)
I often ponder what I could do even in a volunteer capacity while I’m working through the longer term options. But so far all my creative explorations have led to dead ends that either need two working arms or that represent activity without corresponding value. There are some valuable (screen-based) things I can do anticipating one of the two business options, which I’m just setting up to pursue on the punt that this business transaction completes. And I do still intend to finish editing the Sabbatical road trip videos, with Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand and Laos still to complete, which represents days of effort if I take it seriously.
I’m still battling a constant darkness from missing my family. Every day they’re on my mind and in my prayers, but I still believe it is necessary to respect that the five of them have called as one for my absence, not presence. I yearn for reconciliation, but at this stage believe it necessary that mine would be response rather than initiation. My every previous attempt to reach out has failed to launch, but I remain more than ready to engage if asked. I’m confident that with God’s help I can rebuild a good, peaceful, productive, thriving life in every other respect – but it feels empty and pointless without being in service of my nuclear family. I still think my biggest task moving forward is to work out how to posture into life in this messy, difficult context. I still haven’t even begun to work out where to point myself on that journey. All I can say is “I want them back”, which doesn’t seem to facilitate my moving forward.
I suppose I will eventually look back and fondly miss the current restful and non-busy context. So my best now is no doubt to simply try to enjoy this moment, and to put one foot in front of the other, practicing thankfulness for all my many blessings.